When I was 19, I was new to the faith and growing through a nine month discipleship training school at church. I was prone to anxiety attacks and nearly debilitating fear of failure. I second guessed everything and never felt satisfied about ANY explanation. So I journaled and journaled and journaled, desperately seeking an opportunity to express my fears and concerns without being turned away by my peers or authority figures.
I’ll never forget the day when I spilled my guts to the discipleship director. Every concern I shared was extremely important to me. He looked at me with all seriousness and said, “Daniel, you think too much.”
I what?!?!?! How exactly does a person think too much? This one statement sent me into fits of confusion. How is it humanly possible to think too much? Doesn’t that just mean everyone else thinks too little?
I should have gone and talked with him further to get him to explain what he meant. Instead, I just simmered in “nobody understands me” for a few years. If my mentor couldn’t understand me, I had little hope that someone else would.
That isolation cost me a lot of growth. A lot of productivity. I still question whether it was necessary. Perhaps the soul searching phase was absolutely necessary. But MAYBE I could have moved past it with the right relationships and advice. Guess hindsight’s not always so 20/20.
Some 13 years later, I think I finally understand what he MEANT to say. A lot of my thoughts are anxiety driven noise, based on the fear of forgetting, of falling behind on projects, of disappointing my boss or my wife, etc. So much noise that can be quieted. I suppose I would actually think “less” in some respect if I were at peace. That’s always true after a good workout. The endorphins are pumping and I’m just simply satisfied with not thinking. It’s one of the only times in life that is true. The only other would be after a carthartic breakdown. The calm after that storm is very serene as well.
What do YOU think?