adrenaline screamed in my ears as i wanted to defend those people. anger, hatred, fear, denial, guilt, shame – each raced through my veins one after another, at the same time, in no particular order.

how do i watch even a dramatic representation of these slayings and do nothing? i want to leave all my earthly possessions behind, buy a plane ticket, and go to a place where people suffer and have no hope. i want to stay in bed, pull the cover over my head, plug my ears, and will it all away. will away all knowledge of such evil. i want to face it. i want to fight it. i want to destroy it. i don’t think i can make a difference. i want to flee it. i want to hide from it. i want it to not be there. i don’t want to see it. i would live a coward’s life to not have see people’s slaughtered faces dancing in my mind.

i cannot control the thoughts, the unbridled emotions that pour out like a torrent. it is true that i have never served in the military. my friend John Mark would not understand my grief and confusion from a simple movie. he would know firsthand the horrors of death, the smell of rotting flesh, the humming vibrations of the sound of unimaginable disaster penetrating rock and cracked earth.

every single one is precious. every person. even the ones pulling the trigger. that is the difficult part. my instinct is to kill the killer. in doing so i condemn him to death. i am glad i am not a soldier – not a Marine. if i were, i would choose death for so many.

what my eyes have seen overwhelms me. and it is only a play… a make-believe representation. i have not seen or felt or helped in the flesh. and for this i am ashamed. i am ashamed that i am moved by a movie, yet i do no harm nor benefit to anyone. i am what i am in my selfish little corner of the world. but i will not cover myself in the comfortable and despicable blanket of self-deprecation. i will not feel sorry for myself. too many others suffer too much more.

Hotel Rwanda touched me; reminded me who i am, and who i endeavor to become. i want to become like Paul. i want to stand up for humanity – for the little children and the women and older men and my brothers and my sisters and my wife and my mother. i want to be a man people respect because i cannot leave my people behind.

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