141 Though I am lowly and despised,
I do not forget your precepts.
142 Your righteousness is everlasting
and your law is true.
143 Trouble and distress have come upon me,
but your commands are my delight.
144 Your statutes are forever right;
give me understanding that I may live.
– Psalm 119
What revelation must the Psalmist have in order to tell another Person that the Person’s commands are his delight? How much do you have to love someone to delight in the commands they give you?
When I was 19, I was new to the faith and growing through a nine month discipleship training school at church. I was prone to anxiety attacks and nearly debilitating fear of failure. I second guessed everything and never felt satisfied about ANY explanation. So I journaled and journaled and journaled, desperately seeking an opportunity to express my fears and concerns without being turned away by my peers or authority figures.
I’ll never forget the day when I spilled my guts to the discipleship director. Every concern I shared was extremely important to me. He looked at me with all seriousness and said, “Daniel, you think too much.”
I what?!?!?! How exactly does a person think too much? This one statement sent me into fits of confusion. How is it humanly possible to think too much? Doesn’t that just mean everyone else thinks too little?
I should have gone and talked with him further to get him to explain what he meant. Instead, I just simmered in “nobody understands me” for a few years. If my mentor couldn’t understand me, I had little hope that someone else would.
That isolation cost me a lot of growth. A lot of productivity. I still question whether it was necessary. Perhaps the soul searching phase was absolutely necessary. But MAYBE I could have moved past it with the right relationships and advice. Guess hindsight’s not always so 20/20.
Some 13 years later, I think I finally understand what he MEANT to say. A lot of my thoughts are anxiety driven noise, based on the fear of forgetting, of falling behind on projects, of disappointing my boss or my wife, etc. So much noise that can be quieted. I suppose I would actually think “less” in some respect if I were at peace. That’s always true after a good workout. The endorphins are pumping and I’m just simply satisfied with not thinking. It’s one of the only times in life that is true. The only other would be after a carthartic breakdown. The calm after that storm is very serene as well.
What do YOU think?
This will be a very boring post, so move on to the next. No, really. I’m just using this as an ongoing list of the action movies I’ve seen, so I can keep tabs. It’s an ongoing list, so I’ll keep adding to it as I recall the names of films.
V for Vendetta
The Musketeer
Gladiator
The Last Samurai
The Siege
Under Siege
Black Hawk Down
Tears of the Sun
Predator
Commando
Rambo
Ranbo 2
Rambo 3
X-Men
X-Men 2
X-Men 3
Terminator
T2: Judgment Day
Terminator 3
Terminator Salvation
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Transformers
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Troy
Die Hard
Die Hard 2
Die Hard With a Vengeance
Die Hard 4
Tombstone
Matrix
Matrix Reloaded
Matrix Revolution
Sixth Day
Tango & Cash
Big Trouble in Little China
The Taking of Pelham 123
Angels and Demons
James Bond: The Living Daylights
James Bond: Casino Royale
Star Trek
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Fast and Furious
2 Fast 2 Furious
Watchmen
10,000 BC
Independence Day
Stargate
That question always puzzled me as a boy. What do I want to be? How the heck should I know? I have to BE something? What for? Why didn’t I get that memo? And am I REALLY going to grow up and be an adult like you?
People’s expressions taught me that it wasn’t okay to not have an answer to this most important question. I, of course, did NOT have an answer, so I made one up. The two answers I used most often were “I want to be a basketball player” or “I want to be a pastor.”
Nice combo, eh? The basketball player part is obvious. Basketball is fun. I was okay at it. I had dreams of being better. People did it for a living and no one asked THEM what else they wanted to be. So that was as good an answer as any. But the pastor thing? I have no idea where that came from. Seriously. I didn’t actually WANT to be a pastor. I didn’t much care for the pastor we had, and he was my only pastoral role model.
So there’s a mystery for you. Why did I say I wanted to be something I didn’t actually want to be? Why not a policeman, fireman, astronaut, doctor, or something “normal”?
You got me. I have no clue. But that’s what I chose.
Here I am. 32 years old. Still asking myself this question. What DO I want to be? What is deepest, truest passion? What is it that would most fulfill me in my life?
If I had to guess, I’d say that the reason I didn’t have any aspirations as a child was because I had never heard of or imagined the purpose God has for me. It’s hard to say you’re going to be a nuclear physicist when you’ve never heard of even an ordinary physicist, right?
Right. And I’d never heard of a prophetic person, or prophecy in any context until much later (and even then, the only context was of end-times prophecy which I don’t worry too much about). So it’s ironic that I chose to tell people I wanted to be a pastor, because that was the only member of the fivefold ministry I’d heard of at that stage in my life.
Sadly, I STILL don’t know what a full-time prophetic ministry looks like. I see John Paul Jackson, but he’s into these international prophetic training schools. That’s great, and much needed, but I don’t want to leave my wife and family every few days to travel the world. I also see Rick Joyner, but I’m honestly not sure what he does. He’s written very popular books, of course, but I guess he sort of runs a church, like a pastor. I’m not into being a pastor. I know that’s not my particular set of giftings or interests.
Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I have an idea of what church SHOULD be, and it incorporates all members of the fivefold ministry: Apostles, Prophets, Pastors, Evangelists, and Teachers. I’ve never seen a model of this in the real world, but I think it makes perfectly logical sense that the fivefold ministers should be actively working together to train and grow the Body of Christ. What a concept! A pastor, a prophet, an evangelist, and a teacher all working together! Does that ever happen?
Since most churches are built upon a pastor/teacher’s charisma, insight, or gifting, it’s rare to see church leaders share the spotlight or the power. They’ll call it whatever they like, but they’re really running a corporation as the CEO.
Back to my original dilemma. I actually know what I’m called to. But I don’t know what it looks like. And I don’t have the faintest idea how it generates income without being oogly (i.e. creepy and dangerous). I’m ready to make a move. I’m ready for transition. But I don’t yet see what I’d be transitioning into.
I hate funerals. Not because I don’t want to honor people, but because they’re typically too formal, structured, and therefore, unnatural. I insist on being myself under all circumstances, and people are uncomfortable with unstructured grief.
There is something tragic about the Kennedy family. I’m not sure what it is. They are America’s royal family.
How strange, that I cannot identify with them in the least. This family has shared more public tragedies than any other. May God bless the remaining Kennedys. May He reveal Himself to them in awesome and wondrous ways.
This month, I’ve received somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 spam @ replies on my personal twitter account. It’s got me wondering if my 16 month old prediction (that everyone will eventually privatize their accounts) might actually come true. The way Twitter apps typically work today, any and all replies using the @username convention are […]
Five years ago, I took the Briggs and Myerson personality test inside the book, Do What You Are. At the time, I tested as an INTJ (Introspective, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging). Recently, a cute little Facebook quiz asked the question again, only this time I scored differently.
I was disappointed to not be an INTJ. I actually wanted to be a specific type, mostly for the exclusivity. But truth be told, I’m not so logical that I don’t frequently live by intuition and feelings. If anything, I’m always a confusing blend of logic, emotion, and intuition.
After the Facebook quiz, I went online and looked at the traits and characteristics of various personality types, and I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities – INFJ or INTP. According to one source, these two types belong to different groups: Intellectuals and Visionaries.
Intellectuals (NT)
• ENTJ – Chief
• ENTP – Originator
• INTJ – Strategist
• INTP – Engineer
Visionaries (NF)
• ENFJ – Mentor
• ENFP – Advocate
• INFJ – Confidant
• INFP – Dreamer
Oddly enough, I don’t feel like either an Engineer or a Confidant, but more like a Strategist or a Dreamer. Sheesh. Whatever.
Let’s take a look at some of the primary INFJ traits and see how I score:
• Intuitively understand people and situations? Yes
• Idealistic? Yes
• Highly principled? Yes
• Complex and deep? Yes
• Natural leaders? Yes
• Sensitive and compassionate towards people? 50/50
• Service-oriented? No
• Future-oriented? Yes
• Value deep, authentic relationships? Yes
• Reserved about expressing their true selves? 50/50
• Dislike dealing with details unless they enhance or promote their vision? Yes
• Constantly seeking meaning and purpose in everything? Yes
• Creative and visionary? Yes
• Intense and tightly-wound? 50/50
• Can work logically and rationally – use their intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it? Uncertain
11.5 Checks
2.5 Nos
1 Uncertain
Seems pretty definitive. Let’s see how I do with the traits of an INTP:
• Love theory and abstract ideas? Yes
• Truth Seekers – they want to understand things by analyzing underlying principles and structures? Yes
• Value knowledge and competence above all else? No. Not necessarily
• Have very high standards for performance, which they apply to themselves? 50/50
• Independent and original, possibly eccentric? 50/50
• Work best alone, and value autonomy? Yes
• Have no desire to lead or follow? No
• Dislike mundane detail? Yes
• Not particularly interested in the practical application of their work? Yes
• Creative and insightful? Yes
• Future-oriented? Yes
• Usually brilliant and ingenius? Debatable
• Trust their own insights and opinions above others? Yes
• Live primarily inside their own minds, and may appear to be detached and uninvolved with other people? 50/50
9.5 Yes
3.5 No
1 Uncertain
So there you have it. I have no clue. I know I’m definitely not an INTJ or an INFP based on the descriptions, but INFJ and INTP seem to overlap for me. Given the need to choose, I’d say I feel most solidarity towards INFJ, because there are elements described that feel more true or more core to me than those of any other type.
Since I first wrote this post, I’ve consistently tested as an INFP. Here’s the breakdown…
INFPs generally have the following traits:
What about you? Which type are you? Are you definitively one type, or like me where you could be several? Would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Sources:
INFJ
INFJ Careers
INTP
INTP Careers
If you have a Twitter or Friendfeed account, you’ve no doubt already heard the news that Facebook acquired Friendfeed. But what does that mean to users like you and me?
Granted, the majority of you probably didn’t have a Friendfeed account 48 hours ago. Just last week, I tried to get my Facebook friends to sign […]
More than any other objection, I hear people refuse to try Twitter because no one is THAT interesting. They don’t care if someone is going to the grocery store or getting their hair dyed. And they definitely don’t want to know that someone’s kid is getting potty trained (then don’t follow me). More often than […]
I’m saddened by the way we treat death and grief in our culture. We’re so production oriented that we’ve established generations worth of traditions surrounding how we handle every monumental stage of life: births, birthdays, anniversaries, and deaths.
Example: people freak out if a woman breastfeeds her baby for more than 6-9 months because it’s now a cultural norm to stop by that time. But the sad truth is that babies don’t actually need to stop breastfeeding that early. BUT it’s more convenient for the mother to stop hassling with it and it generates more profit for baby food companies for moms to stop early, so it became encouraged for decades until it became accepted as the norm.
Same with death and grieving. In other cultures, people verbally mourn and wail. They dress in sackcloth and wear dust on their heads to express their deep sorrow. Loss is something we cannot quantify. Grief is an experience that we dare not sweep under the rug because it’s inconvenient to our profit-bearing lives. Contrary to popular belief, work does NOT get you through grief. It merely supresses grief. Any emotions suppressed have consequences. It’s literally like refusing to release pressure that builds on the inside. Without an outlet, we risk our bodies and minds when we bury and ignore our feelings.
Every month now, I hear a news story about how some negative emotion or suppressed issue leads to cancer, migraines, ulcers, high blood pressure, heart strain, and so on. It’s basic logic, but we seem to fight against acknowledging simple truths. The simple truth is this: we as people are designed to need to process emotions in order to maintain health and happiness. Suppressed feelings are pressures and strains that we absorb into our bodies and minds like traumas.
But as the title says, grief is complicated. It’s not something you can process in just one day at a memorial service. It’s not something that won’t affect your focus, your stability, your appetite, and your interest in intimate relationships.
Put in my own words, grief is the process of experiencing loss as something is ripped from my life against my will. There are many phases or emotions that accompany grief. There is injustice, sadness, denial, confusion, anger, pride, and so on. Grief feels overwhelming. It’s one of those experiences that tempts us to retreat within ourselves and hide rather than face the pain without comfort.
I know all this because A) I’m an introspective person and B) I’m grieving right now over the loss of my grandpa. I keep picturing one of my recent conversations with him and then I tell myself that this will never happen again in this life. And the concept is so overwhelming that my mind feels like it’s going to cave in and implode from the pressure of reality.
Thank God for my wife, who senses my grief and comes close to me to offer her non-verbal show of love and support. Her sincere concern is a small comfort to me during this time. One of the greatest gifts we can have is loving support. We will all grieve, but thank God when we don’t have to grieve alone.