It’s not bad, God, really. I’ve had MUCH worse jobs. This position and company are bearable, except… except this isn’t what I want to do with my life. And what I want to do doesn’t make money, does it?
I’m cool with working to pay for ministry, if that’s how you want this to go. But working just to work is no way to live. There’s no purpose. No motivation. No joy. No fulfillment. Just the sense of priceless time sucked away into the abyss that is the past.
I don’t know what to ask for, exactly. I make good money for a company that treats me well. That in and of itself is so great that it’s hard to want more. But I do, Father. I want MORE. I want fulfillment. I want to pursue that which is joined to my heart so deeply I cannot be separated from it. I want to pursue the nature you have given me. The calling. The gifts.
I don’t know what will fulfill me. Maybe I’m complaining for nothing. Maybe I just need to experience you in the secret place. But I know I feel empty. I know I feel loss. I know that I am unfulfilled.
Change me. Do what you want with me. But cause me to live a life worth living. A life of adventure. A life of purpose.