Daniel Dessinger

Category: relationships

  • eHarmony and Christian Principle Part Two

    I realize that at times my writing is scatterbrained at best. I knew that the first post on this topic was just a quick dump, without form or attempt to structure. Sometimes it is necessary just to avoid forgetting the primary thoughts and/or feelings on a given subject. As I think of the subject of finding one’s Christian soulmate, I think primarily of the woman, simply because men seeking commitment and/or Christ seem to be in short supply.

    There is this mad rush to marry all the most popular girls at a young age, and then many of the quality people are still waiting for Mr. Right to come along. So what is a woman to do? In the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex alone, I know of ten charismatic churches with memberships of 1,000 or more. There are at least twice that in the area, but I’m being conservative. Out of those ten “megachurches,” there might be anywhere from 50-100 single, available, and relationship-seeking men between 30-40 years old. Slim pickens, I’d say.

    Maybe there are many more out there, but even if there were, a woman couldn’t visit all ten churches and meet all 100 men in less than a couple years. Think about one’s chances of showing up to visit a church and 15% of the available guys are not present that week. Even if they were there, how would you meet them all? And how would you weed through the ones who are married, dating, or simply too immature to consider? This is where a service like eHarmony comes into play. Sure, it’s not as popular as Yahoo’s dating service or Match.com, but millions of people do use it and find love. And it seems to be the number one place for Christians who are looking for marriage. If you’re going to fish, start with the right pond. Don’t waste time.

    A service like eHarmony allows a woman to enter her personal information. Then it checks men with similar personal information and provides her with a collection of matches. These are what we in the marketing world call qualified leads. They are men, they are Christian men, they are Christian men looking for a woman, and they are Christian men looking for a woman somewhat like you. You won’t run into anyone saying, “I just want to be friends.” No chance of misinterpreting the situation here. If you agree to meet, you both know it’s a date, even if you bring other people along. The men don’t have a chance to search through all the dating profiles online. That means that they can’t be a different person to each woman, simply manipulating their way into women’s lives. They have to enter one profile, and they will be matched with similar profiles.

    The woman call allow the matched men to make the first move if she wants. But it is definitely another way to let the right kind of people know that you are available. Set your criteria as strict or as loose as you want. You can change it over time if you are not receiving the results you desire. Look, I’m not promoting eHarmony; not really. All I’m saying is that a woman should have a fighting chance to find happiness in a healthy, godly relationship. And those of us who have found our wonderful mates already have no right to begrudge someone else that same privilege.

  • Russ Hemati, Social Responsibility, and Parenthood

    I don’t know what else to say. Russ Hemati managed to shatter my sense of how the world functions. Russ was one of those rare people you ever get to meet in your lifetime if ever who could literally write his own ticket if he only chose to do so. He will never admit to this, of course, because he has found it logically necessary to assume the figure of humility, although I don’t consider it pride to admit to the truth.

    He is that intelligent. I think it should be known. I think he could be an asset to more people than he realizes if he were to only expand his willingness to accept public exposure. Well, there are worthwhile debates over this. We can impart a deeper sense of humanity, spirituality, philosophy, and stability to a few people via actual relationship. Writing books, blogs, or journals will never have the power of impact that a relationship can have.

    Why else did Jesus walk the earth with his disciples? Why didn’t he just heal people, preach, and write a book called, The Gospel of Jesus? Why did he entrust the retelling of this amazing story to a handful of mostly uneducated fishermen, waiters, and tax collectors? I think there was something more in the impartation of his life. Authors like John Eldredge, Donald Miller, and Stu Weber agree that something is imparted to a young man when he experiences the physical presence of a mature, masculine adult.

    Call it what you will, but I have to agree that physical discipleship is more effective than teaching via booklet or blog. Still, there is something to be said for reaching more people quickly. Perhaps we each have our own callings, even those of us with similar giftings. Perhaps some of us are called to share who we are with a small group, and others of us are called to share who we are with the masses. Strategically, it makes sense to do both. You want the deep conversion that comes with close proximity, but you don’t want to wait for generations to pass before enough people are changed that everyone out there has a chance to know a part of what you have to share.

    So some of us focus on the few, some on the many. I’d say that I probably focus on the many right now, while Russ focuses on the few. He is obviously equipped to share with the many, though writing may not be his favorite method of expression. But I had certain expectations of him during college. Sure, he’ll be a PhD soon enough and I’ll have to call him Dr. Hemati, but I saw him as one of those guys who could become nationally renowned if only he would become a bachelor for life, devoted to his craft.

    Okay, so I’m not disappointed in the least that he married. He and Christi make a wonderful couple. I knew that years ago. Still, you don’t meet someone like him very often. Russ and Christi now have a baby girl, Claire, and Russ is forever branded with a father’s love. That love will motivate and rejuvenate him throughout the years to come, but it will also pose some limitations. This is what we call Life.

    We each face these decisions in our lives. Decisions which literally alter the path of our future. Russ is not likely to ever regret the decision he has made, both as husband and as father. He is very pleased with the outcome of his circumstances. And he should be.

    But people like me can both appreciate the good and the beautiful while simultaneously viewing the imaginary “what ifs” that haunt us, wondering what greatness he or she missed out on. It is not mental illness. If anything, it is merely ambidextrous instrospection.

    Russ will never become a Nietzsche or Einstein or von Balthazaar. I shouldn’t say never. But the odds are no longer in his favor. Who has the time to postulate new theorems or invent new inventions while giving the baby her bottle and changing her diaper? I haven’t seen or heard of it happen yet. A man can be brilliant and a good father at the same time. But brilliance is capacity and father is activity. All I’m saying is that I don’t see how a man can truly reach his potential as a father while dedicating enough of his time to something else to produce genius.

  • Holiday Season 2006

    It’s November 12th, 2006. Thanksgiving Day is right around the corner, and Christmas is right on its heels. It is the happiest time of year and the time of greatest suffering. Holidays are like Jedi Knights: they are intensely powerful, whether for the good or the dark side. Indifference implies callousness. Unless, of course, you come from a third-world country with no familial holidays. I love this time of year. I have never been the guy most geared toward family. I rejected family as a teenager (go figure) and refused to identify myself with “those people.” A successful holiday used to mean a bottle of liquor, a mixed cd, and a trip to the movie theater… alone. I still wonder what the holiday means to my family as we get together. Do they care if the conversation is just idle nonsense, or do they really have things they want to know and say? If so, why do they never bridge the gap between us and share their feelings? I guess I live in a very private family on some levels. We get along, and we are very kind to each other (I was the last one to participate there), yet we know very little about each other on so many levels. Despite the unknowns, holidays are still a chance to appreciate those you love, despit the fact that you may not be able to explain why you love them or what you get out of it. Even with so many unanswered questions about the mysteries of familial bonds, it’s nice to know you can always come home to people who know who you were before you got hurt and started faking it. It’s nice to be accepted. I realize that this does not speak to everyone, and many would rebuke me for generalizing everyone into a quasi-successful family role. I know that there are far too many out there who don’t have anyone to turn to. I know that there are many who would rather die than come home. I know that there are some who can’t remember if home even exists. If you fit into one of those categories, I do not apologize for my generalizations. I do appreciate your patience with me as I express different memories, for I can only communicate what is my own. I hope and pray each one of you finds a new family rising out of the ashes which are your memories. I pray that God will surround you with people who possess the god-given capacity to know you, love you, and appreciate you, so that you will live a life worth living. I pray that you will each know what it means to sit around a table with those you love and share moments of joy and satisfaction. Happy Holidays.

  • Memories of Valentine’s Day

    I haven’t written anything here in quite some time. There’s not enough time in the day to get everything done and have the accompanying panic attacks. Today being what it is – Valentine’s Day – I thought I should at least attempt to write something thematic.

    The painting to the right is of Trinity Valentine at age 18. Who is that? I have no idea. Her last name’s Valentine… that’s thematic enough. The painter is Fred Burkhart. The surrounding blues are so startlingly blue in comparison to the black outline of her face and the lighter tones of her hair and face. I don’t know… something about it captivated me. You can see more paintings by this artist at www.burkhartstudios.com.

    As for Valentine’s Day proper, I am reminded of Valentine’s Day 2004. Heather and I had been married a whopping 18 days, and I was on a mission: to find the perfect kitty that Heather has been wanting for more than ten years. I was one of those Valentine’s Day haters. It was and still is my firm belief that a man who loves his wife finds special ways to show his love throughout the year, not just on some day that someone randomly chose as a day of romance. I personally resent it, though less now than I used to.

    The point of it is to make men feel so guilty at the thought of not buying something for their wife or girlfriend that they end up feeling obligated to go spend money so that she won’t be the only woman at work or at church who didn’t get some token of how special she is to her man.

    I so totally lucked out! The first place I stopped, PetSmart, had one little Siamese Snowshoe with piercing blue eyes. I was transfixed. Doubt crept in. What if Heather gets mad that I adopted a cat without even consulting with her? It was risky. It’s the kind of thing careless married couples fight about all the time.

    I was going to drive around and think about it, when this couple walked up and started cooing over the same kitten. Panic. What if someone else chooses him while I’m still thinking? Can I take that chance? No. I cannot. He’s too beautiful. He’s too perfect. It’s him or nothing.

    He was so tiny. So precious. He cried all the way home. I sang to him to calm him down. When we got home, my wife was taking a shower, probably getting ready for a possible Valentine’s Day dinner. I carried the kitty into the bedroom, opened the bathroom door just a crack, and gently nudged him on. I closed the door and listened carefully.

    Five seconds later, I hear Heather gasp. I hear the shower door open and she says, “Where did you come from, kitty?” in the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard her use. The rest was history. She fell in love with our new cat, and he has been an irreplaceable member of the family ever since. Now, whenever a gift-giving holiday comes around, she always tells me, “Just give me Mr. Kitty again. Wrap a bow around him and give him to me as a present!”

    I haven’t tried it yet. Somehow, I think the idea of it might be a little cuter than how it might play out for real. Still, Mr. Kitty earns me bonus points on every holiday when my wife remembers how wonderful it was to receive the perfect kitty on a day I had never previously celebrated.

  • 2006: A Pledge to My Wife

    we began this new year in intimate embrace
    a symbol of the coming year
    for to you i pledge my love afresh
    and write to tell you what to expect

    this year i draw near
    nearer than before
    this year i am unfettered
    by the chains that bound me before
    this year i will humble myself
    and allow myself to be known
    this year i will seek your heart
    as a treasure without price
    this year my pursuit will be marked by persistance,
    endurance, and unyielding resolve
    this year the yearning swells inside
    for hearts to touch as delicately as i touch your skin
    this year i will reek of the yearning
    i will smell of it, drip with it, project it, embody it
    this year, the yearning will drip
    like scented oil from my beard
    this year i will anoint your head with kisses
    and shower your ears with praises
    this year i will seek you
    as the young man in Song of Songs
    this year i will leap from mountain top to mountain top
    to reach my beloved
    to draw her into my bedchamber
    to delight in the blossoming fragrance of her femininity
    to prove what is the transforming power
    in the heart of a woman
    to prove to you and those who will admire you
    that this power and brilliance in your smile
    that the sparkle and gleam in your eye
    is born out of the tender love and adoration
    of your humble husband

    i declare it because it is true
    i prophesy it to the four corners of the earth
    my words will be challenged
    and tested for truth
    and through it all you will see
    that which you’ve longed for
    and doubted you’d ever see
    this is the year i will draw you to me.